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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Arming Our Pilots

The Airline Pilots Association recently proposed that pilots be allowed to carry handguns to defend their cockpits. What do you think?
  • "Pilots need to concentrate on flying the aircraft. Arm the Sky Chefs instead."

    Denise Bassett Guidance Counselor
  • "As a mediocre stand-up comic, I'm all for it... 'And what's with these pilots packin' heat? Boy, you damn well better return your tray table to the upright and locked position, Chester!'"

    Irfan Clarence Comedian
  • "We should give the pilots unloaded guns, and then ask the media not to report that they're unloaded. Also, don't print this."

    Richard Barnes Systems Analyst
  • "I don't like this plan quite as much as the one with the super-robots, but I suppose it'll have to do."

    Judy Weiss Florist
  • "Pilots should get sawed-off shotguns. There's no reason they shouldn't be as well-armed as our pizza-delivery drivers."

    Pete Hecker Shipping Clerk
  • "Armed pilots? I see. Tell me: Just how many days should I allot for a New York-to-L.A. trip on Amtrak?"

    Todd Pollack Attorney
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