Arming Our Pilots

Top Headlines

Recent News

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Arming Our Pilots

The Airline Pilots Association recently proposed that pilots be allowed to carry handguns to defend their cockpits. What do you think?
  • "Pilots need to concentrate on flying the aircraft. Arm the Sky Chefs instead."

    Denise Bassett
    Guidance Counselor
  • "As a mediocre stand-up comic, I'm all for it... 'And what's with these pilots packin' heat? Boy, you damn well better return your tray table to the upright and locked position, Chester!'"

    Irfan Clarence
    Comedian
  • "We should give the pilots unloaded guns, and then ask the media not to report that they're unloaded. Also, don't print this."

    Richard Barnes
    Systems Analyst
  • "I don't like this plan quite as much as the one with the super-robots, but I suppose it'll have to do."

    Judy Weiss
    Florist
  • "Pilots should get sawed-off shotguns. There's no reason they shouldn't be as well-armed as our pizza-delivery drivers."

    Pete Hecker
    Shipping Clerk
  • "Armed pilots? I see. Tell me: Just how many days should I allot for a New York-to-L.A. trip on Amtrak?"

    Todd Pollack
    Attorney