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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Arming Our Pilots

The Airline Pilots Association recently proposed that pilots be allowed to carry handguns to defend their cockpits. What do you think?
  • "Pilots need to concentrate on flying the aircraft. Arm the Sky Chefs instead."

    Denise Bassett Guidance Counselor
  • "As a mediocre stand-up comic, I'm all for it... 'And what's with these pilots packin' heat? Boy, you damn well better return your tray table to the upright and locked position, Chester!'"

    Irfan Clarence Comedian
  • "We should give the pilots unloaded guns, and then ask the media not to report that they're unloaded. Also, don't print this."

    Richard Barnes Systems Analyst
  • "I don't like this plan quite as much as the one with the super-robots, but I suppose it'll have to do."

    Judy Weiss Florist
  • "Pilots should get sawed-off shotguns. There's no reason they shouldn't be as well-armed as our pizza-delivery drivers."

    Pete Hecker Shipping Clerk
  • "Armed pilots? I see. Tell me: Just how many days should I allot for a New York-to-L.A. trip on Amtrak?"

    Todd Pollack Attorney

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