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Arming Our Pilots

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Arming Our Pilots

The Airline Pilots Association recently proposed that pilots be allowed to carry handguns to defend their cockpits. What do you think?
  • "Pilots need to concentrate on flying the aircraft. Arm the Sky Chefs instead."

    Denise Bassett Guidance Counselor
  • "As a mediocre stand-up comic, I'm all for it... 'And what's with these pilots packin' heat? Boy, you damn well better return your tray table to the upright and locked position, Chester!'"

    Irfan Clarence Comedian
  • "We should give the pilots unloaded guns, and then ask the media not to report that they're unloaded. Also, don't print this."

    Richard Barnes Systems Analyst
  • "I don't like this plan quite as much as the one with the super-robots, but I suppose it'll have to do."

    Judy Weiss Florist
  • "Pilots should get sawed-off shotguns. There's no reason they shouldn't be as well-armed as our pizza-delivery drivers."

    Pete Hecker Shipping Clerk
  • "Armed pilots? I see. Tell me: Just how many days should I allot for a New York-to-L.A. trip on Amtrak?"

    Todd Pollack Attorney

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