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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Army Extends 50,000 Soldiers' Tours of Duty In Iraq

The Army is forcing 50,000 soldiers into extended duty in Iraq. What do you think?
  • "If these soldiers wanted out so bad, maybe they should have finished the job within two weeks like the president wanted."

    Arnold Whitman Metallurgist
  • "I instituted a stop-loss to keep my last girlfriend from leaving. It doesn't work."

    Jay Katz Sports Vendor
  • "They've been pretty busy. I'm sure they'll appreciate the extra time to see some of the sights."

    Helen Guiteau Package Delivery Driver
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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