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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Ashcroft's Vague Warnings

U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft has issued several vague warnings of "credible threats" of terrorism, urging Americans to stay on alert. What do you think?
  • "I applaud Ashcroft for his warnings. How else would I know when to be on alert for terrorist activity? Look—look how on-alert I am right now."

    Virginia Innes Teacher
  • "I thought Ashcroft's most recent warning of possible terrorist attacks was calm and controlled enough, if you ignored the dark, spreading stain on the front of his trousers."

    Brent Cleveland Doctor
  • "So Ashcroft didn't specifically mention anything about the Golden Gate Bridge, five pounds of weapons-grade plutonium, or next Thursday afternoon? Cool."

    Todd Booth Roofer
  • "Does Ashcroft know something we don't? What is it? Never mind, I don't want to know. Wait, yes, I do—tell me! Tell me now! No, don't! No! Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb..."

    Iris MacNaughton Graphic Designer
  • "Gee, the things Ashcroft says seem reasonable enough when they scroll across the bottom of the screen during Friends."

    Henry Davidson Cashier
  • "The whole damn country's been paranoid about terrorism ever since the whole damn country was devastated by terrorism."

    Christopher Adams Systems Analyst

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