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Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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Assange Seeks Asylum In Ecuador

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who is currently awaiting extradition from the UK to Sweden to face rape and sexual assault charges, has taken refuge in the Ecuadorean embassy in London and is seeking political asylum in the South American country. What do you think?

  • "Can't he just go to Roman Polanski's house?"

    Clara LaFleur Gasket-Molder
  • "Man, he’s going to get nailed with some serious checked baggage fees for all the sunscreen he’ll need to pack."

    Martin Banker Systems Analyst
  • "Dammit. How long does this guy think I’m going to keep feeding his cat?"

    Sean Loew Nozzle Worker

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