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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Assange Seeks Asylum In Ecuador

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who is currently awaiting extradition from the UK to Sweden to face rape and sexual assault charges, has taken refuge in the Ecuadorean embassy in London and is seeking political asylum in the South American country. What do you think?

  • "Can't he just go to Roman Polanski's house?"

    Clara LaFleur Gasket-Molder
  • "Man, he’s going to get nailed with some serious checked baggage fees for all the sunscreen he’ll need to pack."

    Martin Banker Systems Analyst
  • "Dammit. How long does this guy think I’m going to keep feeding his cat?"

    Sean Loew Nozzle Worker

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