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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

The 10-year-old federal law banning the sale of 19 types of semiautomatic assault weapons expired Monday. What do you think?
  • "Finally, I can bring ol' Missy out of hiding. Come on out, Missy. Daddy says it's safe now."

    James Farwell CPA
  • "The people who want assault weapons banned can't provide any evidence that they're used for criminal activity. See, you can't use common sense as evidence."

    Tammy Graves Journalist
  • "When we enacted this ban in 1994, it was an important step to protect our children. Now that our children are grown up and off at college, it's not such a pressing issue."

    Liza Redding Secretary
  • "Hey, if I could turn the clock back to a time before titanium deer with full electronic countermeasures, I would. But face it, I need this Kalashnikov."

    Sam Li Electrician
  • "This is mainly a semantic problem. If assault rifles were called 'fun rifles' or 'quick rifles,' there wouldn't be all this outrage."

    Daniel Moore Systems Analyst
  • "If the criminals are going to have assault rifles, I should, too. Actually, can I have a better one than they do?"

    Jim Mertens Sewer Worker

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