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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

The 10-year-old federal law banning the sale of 19 types of semiautomatic assault weapons expired Monday. What do you think?
  • "Finally, I can bring ol' Missy out of hiding. Come on out, Missy. Daddy says it's safe now."

    James Farwell CPA
  • "The people who want assault weapons banned can't provide any evidence that they're used for criminal activity. See, you can't use common sense as evidence."

    Tammy Graves Journalist
  • "When we enacted this ban in 1994, it was an important step to protect our children. Now that our children are grown up and off at college, it's not such a pressing issue."

    Liza Redding Secretary
  • "Hey, if I could turn the clock back to a time before titanium deer with full electronic countermeasures, I would. But face it, I need this Kalashnikov."

    Sam Li Electrician
  • "This is mainly a semantic problem. If assault rifles were called 'fun rifles' or 'quick rifles,' there wouldn't be all this outrage."

    Daniel Moore Systems Analyst
  • "If the criminals are going to have assault rifles, I should, too. Actually, can I have a better one than they do?"

    Jim Mertens Sewer Worker
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