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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Asteroid Narrowly Misses Earth

A 150-foot asteroid known as 2012 DA14 will pass by Earth today, coming within 17,000 miles of hitting the planet—closer than many communications satellites—and narrowly avoiding an impact that would have destroyed a 750-square-mile area of the surface. What do you think?

  • “Jesus Christ! Do you think it saw us?”

    Howard Rosenstein Unemployed
  • “What a great name for an asteroid!”

    Richard Goddard Can Filler
  • “What, that’s it? We’re not even going to try to blow it up?”

    Winnie Chapman Denture Finisher

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