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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Asteroid Narrowly Misses Earth

A 150-foot asteroid known as 2012 DA14 will pass by Earth today, coming within 17,000 miles of hitting the planet—closer than many communications satellites—and narrowly avoiding an impact that would have destroyed a 750-square-mile area of the surface. What do you think?

  • “Jesus Christ! Do you think it saw us?”

    Howard Rosenstein Unemployed
  • “What a great name for an asteroid!”

    Richard Goddard Can Filler
  • “What, that’s it? We’re not even going to try to blow it up?”

    Winnie Chapman Denture Finisher

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