adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

Astronaut To Deliver UConn Commencement Address From Space

The University of Connecticut has announced that alumnus Rick Mastracchio, who is currently orbiting the globe aboard the International Space Station, will deliver this year’s commencement address from space. What do you think?

  • “Instead of giving a speech, I would be cool with this astronaut guy just swallowing floating drops of liquid.”

    Daniel Barry Hard Drive Installer
  • “Clearly, a UConn education is out of this world!”

    Michael Framingham Systems Analyst
  • “The students should really pay attention. He’s probably going to give a lot of good advice about going to outer space.”

    Katherine Phipps Pet Adoption Agent

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close