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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Astronaut To Deliver UConn Commencement Address From Space

The University of Connecticut has announced that alumnus Rick Mastracchio, who is currently orbiting the globe aboard the International Space Station, will deliver this year’s commencement address from space. What do you think?

  • “Instead of giving a speech, I would be cool with this astronaut guy just swallowing floating drops of liquid.”

    Daniel Barry Hard Drive Installer
  • “Clearly, a UConn education is out of this world!”

    Michael Framingham Systems Analyst
  • “The students should really pay attention. He’s probably going to give a lot of good advice about going to outer space.”

    Katherine Phipps Pet Adoption Agent

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