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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Atheists Unbless Florida Road

To protest government officials involvement last year in the blessing of a county road, an atheist group in Lakeland, FL "washed away" the blessing this weekend. What do you think?

  • "Is this country no longer safe for terrible Christian drivers?"

    Patrick Higgs Dicer Operator
  • "Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh! ’Cause God already put a super force field on the blessing with a strength of infinity!"

    Kathryn Osborne Roll Tender
  • "Well, is the road fucking blessed or not? I got places to be!"

    Joe Feldstein Ordinance Artificer

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