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Atheists Unbless Florida Road

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Atheists Unbless Florida Road

To protest government officials involvement last year in the blessing of a county road, an atheist group in Lakeland, FL "washed away" the blessing this weekend. What do you think?

  • "Is this country no longer safe for terrible Christian drivers?"

    Patrick Higgs Dicer Operator
  • "Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh! ’Cause God already put a super force field on the blessing with a strength of infinity!"

    Kathryn Osborne Roll Tender
  • "Well, is the road fucking blessed or not? I got places to be!"

    Joe Feldstein Ordinance Artificer

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