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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Atlanta Running Out Of Water

By Army Corps of Engineers estimates, the city of Atlanta could run out of water in about 100 days. What do you think?
  • "The Coca-Cola headquarters are right there. Can't they just step in with some crisp, cool refreshment?"

    Darby McGuinness Roofer
  • "Yeah, well, St. Louis has been running out of good men for years now!"

    Bunny Raleigh Florist
  • "Oh no! Then where will I go for various conventions?"

    Cole Dalton Banker

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