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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Atlantic City Mayor Resigns

After an absence of nearly two weeks in which his whereabouts were largely unknown, Robert W. Levy, mayor of Atlantic City, NJ, returned to office only to resign. What do you think?
  • "Well thank goodness he's gone. Erratic and suspicious behavior has no place in Atlantic City."

    Paulina Kntuson Systems Analyst
  • "I'm still having trouble getting past the first part. Why would anyone–anyone–disappear from Atlantic City for more than an hour?"

    Tim Lunt Graphic Designer
  • "He was a terrible mayor. He promised us constituents hairsprays and cheese fries! Where are my hairsprays and cheese fries?!"

    Tony Regina Hot Dog Vendor

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