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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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AT&T, T-Mobile Merger Faces Roadblock

The Department of Justice has filed an antitrust lawsuit to block the merger between mobile service providers AT&T and T-Mobile, saying it would increase prices and reduce innovation. What do you think?

  • “It really wouldn’t be fair to the competition if AT&T had cell phones and cell phone reception.”

    Katie Smith Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, man, but I just thought of a great name for that company: AT&T-Mobile. I was going to sell that to them for a lot of money."

    David Noble Unemployed
  • "I wonder if this jeopardizes my prepaid cellphone company TracFone's merger with Tri-City Check Cashing."

    Kevin Jones Telecom Owner

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