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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Attorney General Gonzales Resigns

After mounting controversy, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned from office yesterday. What do you think?
  • "Congrats, Dirk Kempthorne! You're now my favorite current cabinet member!"

    Doug Harford Systems Analyst
  • "How am I supposed to explain this to my kids? That the attorney general is just on a business trip for a while? That he'll be back in a little bit? Think of the children!"

    Leslie Doniacz Plumbing Apprentice
  • "Good. Maybe now we can restore some dignity to the attorney general's office and get a classy singer-songwriter type like John Ashcroft."

    William Kern Gem Cutter

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