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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Australia May Drop Great White’s Protected Status

A surfer was killed by a great white shark off the western coast of Australia Saturday, marking the fifth fatal attack there in under a year and prompting officials to consider ending the protected status of the species. What do you think?

  • “Seems like they could solve this problem if they just gave that status to humans.”

    David Nakajima, Graduate Student
  • “But great whites play a necessary ecological role in controlling the surfer population.”

    Faisal Champion Farmhand
  • “It's about time they start letting people fight back when they’re getting attacked by a shark.”

    Tina Ahmed State Gaming Commissioner
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