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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Australia May Drop Great White’s Protected Status

A surfer was killed by a great white shark off the western coast of Australia Saturday, marking the fifth fatal attack there in under a year and prompting officials to consider ending the protected status of the species. What do you think?

  • “Seems like they could solve this problem if they just gave that status to humans.”

    David Nakajima, Graduate Student
  • “But great whites play a necessary ecological role in controlling the surfer population.”

    Faisal Champion Farmhand
  • “It's about time they start letting people fight back when they’re getting attacked by a shark.”

    Tina Ahmed State Gaming Commissioner
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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