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Australia Puts 300 Sharks On Twitter

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Australia Puts 300 Sharks On Twitter

To prevent attacks on beachgoers, Australian government researchers have tagged 338 sharks with transmitters that send out an alert via Twitter anytime one of the animals swims within a half mile of a beach. What do you you think?

  • “As someone who swims with seals at dusk every day, I find this very helpful.”

    Colin Havermeyer Adult Orthodontist
  • “What’s wrong with just having a little girl on the beach pointing at the ocean and screaming? That always seems to create an appropriate level of panic.”

    Finn Kehoe Jewel Finisher
  • “Man, Google+ is never going to take off.”

    Gwyneth Kingman Assistant Legal Officer

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