'Avengers' Has Record Second Weekend

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Vol 48 Issue 20

The Skeet Shooter 

NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Davy Anthony must protect his happily unaware family from a rogue skeet that could fly out from any direction at any time.

Jessica Tanley and Rodney Holl

Jessica Tanley married Rodney Holl beneath a beautiful evening sky, hoping for a shooting star at the moment of their “I Do’s,” but of course that didn’t happen because Rodney always screws everything up.

Independent Baking Scene Apparently Worth A Documentary

SEATTLE—A string of independent bakeries in the Seattle area apparently provided enough material to warrant a 73-minute documentary titled Rise: The Resurgence Of The Artisanal Bakery, 27-year-old Netflix browser Cyrus Wall observed Sunday.

Dying Chevron Executive Excited To One Day Become Oil

The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an Ohio Film Festival graphic designer decides to go with film reels for the O's. It's the week of May 14th, 2012.

The Return Of Eddie

TLC 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Eddie returns to Cleveland, where he hasn’t been since he was a kid, and is surprised to find they built the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame there.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

'Avengers' Has Record Second Weekend

The Avengers became the first film to make more than $100 million domestically in its second weekend, and has now grossed more than $1 billion to date worldwide. What do you think?

  • “Aw, man, I should have made The Avengers.”

    Nate Moses
    Unit Clerk
  • “Personally, I found that revenue ticker in the lower-right corner of the screen too distracting for me to enjoy the movie.”

    Jane Aravena
    Systems Analyst
  • “I’ll have my secretary send the Avengers film a bouquet of flowers. Where does it live?”

    Andy Trout
    Radar Mechanic
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