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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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'Avengers' Has Record Second Weekend

The Avengers became the first film to make more than $100 million domestically in its second weekend, and has now grossed more than $1 billion to date worldwide. What do you think?

  • “Aw, man, I should have made The Avengers.”

    Nate Moses Unit Clerk
  • “Personally, I found that revenue ticker in the lower-right corner of the screen too distracting for me to enjoy the movie.”

    Jane Aravena Systems Analyst
  • “I’ll have my secretary send the Avengers film a bouquet of flowers. Where does it live?”

    Andy Trout Radar Mechanic

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