Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Average American Consumes 34 Gigabytes Daily

A study from the University of California, San Diego, reports that each day the average American takes in 34 gigabytes of data. What do you think?
  • "Wow. And to think, there are data-starved children in Africa who subsist on just kilobytes a day."

    Doug Fischer Systems Analyst
  • "Wow, that sounds impressive. I must be pretty smart."

    Trina De Marrias Ultrasound Technician
  • "Now, if we could only figure out a way to cram some high fructose corn syrup in there."

    Tyler Kuehn Soft-Mud Molder

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.