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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Axl Rose Ranked Greatest Vocalist Of All Time

According to a new chart comparing the vocal ranges of 100 singers across different music genres and eras, Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose is the greatest vocalist of all time with a singing range of five octaves. What do you think?

  • “I’m glad this humble, gentle giant of music is finally getting the credit he’s due.”

    Jason Breschi Personal Trainer
  • “Ranking singers’ worth chiefly on their technical proficiency is so rock and roll.”

    Johan Knowles Systems Analyst
  • “Greatest vocalist? Hardly. Greatest lyricist? Absolutely.”

    Eden Wagner Live Chat Assistant

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