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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Baby Cured Of HIV

After being placed on antiretroviral medications beginning 30 hours after its birth, a child born HIV positive was found to be completely free of the disease two and a half years later, offering hope for a potential cure for the roughly 330,000 infants born with the infection each year.

  • “Babies really seem to bounce back from things.”

    Chantal Anderson Copyright Expert
  • “That’s great! Now I can stop telling my baby that if he gets HIV he’s a goner.”

    Cole Peet Racket Stringer
  • “Infants these days have it too easy.”

    Angelo Pileggi Systems Analyst
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