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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Bad Lab Results Often Unreported

A review of more than 5,000 medical records from doctors' offices across the nation revealed that bad test results were not reported to patients 7 percent of the time. What do you think?
  • "That is an acceptable threshold. It is important that doctors not skew efficiency numbers by needlessly expending time consoling hysterical patients."

    Peggy Anderson Systems Analyst
  • "Were I ill, I would prefer not knowing it so that I might die a hero's death at my workstation."

    Ron Puckett Punch-Press Operator
  • "This is a serious problem. It seems doctors are being far too forthcoming."

    Tommy Stevens Bakery Overseer

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