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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bald Eagles Thriving

A recent survey indicated that bald eagles would soon be taken off the endangered-species list. What do you think?
  • "Damn it! Every time I memorize the endangered-species list, some bureaucrat changes it."

    James Threadman Production Technician
  • "There goes any hope I had of my basement full of bald eagles appreciating in value."

    Paul Abramowicz Quality-Control Supervisor
  • "And with that, trout go back onto the endangered-species list."

    Karenne Eng Elevator Operator

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