adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bald Eagles Thriving

A recent survey indicated that bald eagles would soon be taken off the endangered-species list. What do you think?
  • "Damn it! Every time I memorize the endangered-species list, some bureaucrat changes it."

    James Threadman Production Technician
  • "There goes any hope I had of my basement full of bald eagles appreciating in value."

    Paul Abramowicz Quality-Control Supervisor
  • "And with that, trout go back onto the endangered-species list."

    Karenne Eng Elevator Operator

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close