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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Banning ATM Fees

On Nov. 2, voters in San Francisco and Santa Monica approved ordinances banning banks from charging ATM fees to non-customers. In response, several banks in the cities blocked non-customers from using their cash machines. What do you think?
  • "I don't think it's right for a business to charge money for a service it provides."

    Teresa Bossy Student
  • "ATM fees? Who cares? As a Californian, the issue I'm most concerned about is where I can get a reasonably priced mocha enema."

    Paul Goring Photographer
  • "That little man inside the machine who has to process the orders and stick the money through the slot deserves that $1 tip."

    Michael Gillies Cook
  • "What do you mean fees? I thought Bank of America was making my money work for me!"

    William Merrick Landscaper
  • "ATM fees? Who cares? As a Californian, the issue I'm most concerned about is where I can get a reasonably priced mocha enema."

    Ron Langevin Systems Analyst
  • "Eliminating ATM fees is only the beginning. The struggle for justice will not truly be over until money materializes directly into people's hands."

    Diana Melanson Herpetologist

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