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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Barnes & Noble Releases Color Nook

Bookseller Barnes & Noble announced the release of a full-color, touch-screen version of its Nook e-reader last week. What do you think?

  • "A Nook? No thank you! They'll be pulling this Borders Kobo from my cold dead fingers!"

    James Warshaw Systems Analyst
  • "There's a new Nook? You gotta be fucking shitting me."

    Tabitha Crane Mechanical Subassembler
  • "It's only a matter of time before Oliver Twist is peppered with pop-up ads for gruel and waistcoats."

    Barry Kaplan Incinerator Operator

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