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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Barnes & Noble Releases Color Nook

Bookseller Barnes & Noble announced the release of a full-color, touch-screen version of its Nook e-reader last week. What do you think?

  • "A Nook? No thank you! They'll be pulling this Borders Kobo from my cold dead fingers!"

    James Warshaw Systems Analyst
  • "There's a new Nook? You gotta be fucking shitting me."

    Tabitha Crane Mechanical Subassembler
  • "It's only a matter of time before Oliver Twist is peppered with pop-up ads for gruel and waistcoats."

    Barry Kaplan Incinerator Operator

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