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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Beck Holds DC Rally

Conservative talk show host Glenn Beck held a rally on the National Mall on Saturday, the anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech. What do you think?

  • "He really got our momentum going. Now, onward to take back Worcester, Mass. from Lucy Stone and the National Women's Rights Convention!"

    David Kenyon Systems Analyst
  • "I don't mind the MLK thing, but that's where Forrest Gump found Jenny!"

    Rebecca Turner Shipping Clerk
  • "Yeah, he really showed everyone how America has lost touch with its roots and explained why we absolutely need new leaders in the mold of our great Founding Fathers, like Glenn Beck himself, a Mormon with no aspirations of higher education."

    Corwin Armstrong Security Guard
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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