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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bed Found In Fundamentalist Temple

Authorities searching a temple in the Texas compound of the Fundamentalist Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints found a bed they believe was where underage brides were forced to have sex with their new husbands. What do you think?
  • "What do these girls want, a throne?"

    Paul Oswald Systems Analyst
  • "Hey, they bought the calf, so the veal wasn't free."

    Theresa Kurtz Mail Sorter
  • "How do they know that's what the bed was used for? Did they smell it?"

    Jeff Cafarelli Quality Assurance Manager

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