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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Bee Species Rediscovered

Scientists from the University of California–Riverside announced they have rediscovered a bumblebee that was last seen in 1956. What do you think?

  • "Talk to me about honey. How much of it is there and how sweet? With bees that's all I want to know."

    Alex Marsh Oxidizer
  • "Two questions immediately arise. First, why were they so elusive for so long? Second, is there one on me?"

    Rich Hooper Greenskeeper
  • "Yeah, the Cockerell's bumblebee—sorry about that. They were trapped between my screen door and front door for a few decades, and I just recently got up the nerve to let the angry things out."

    Janel Savage Retired
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