adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Beef Prices Highest In 27 Years

The average price of American beef has skyrocketed due to drought and increased demand from abroad, which may prompt restaurants to limit beef offerings or downsize portions of food. What do you think?

  • “I keep a couple of cows in the backyard just for occasions like this.”

    Mary Caldwell Car Wash Manager
  • “That’s okay; it just means that when I take my wife to the Steak ’n Shake it’ll be that much more special.”

    Sean Reed Systems Analyst
  • “Nobody tell the cows or they’ll start acting like dicks.”

    Lance Barnum Masonry Contractor

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close