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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Beloved's Controversial Award

Some members of America's literary community are up in arms, claiming Toni Morrison's Beloved was named the best American novel of the past 25 years out of political correctness. What do you think?
  • "Beloved?! Over that, uh... one classic book? And what about that other one? Past 25 years, you said?"

    Amie Mondale Crime-Scene Cleaner
  • "Blah, blah, blah. When do we vote for best kebabs?"

    Andrew Blevins Building Manager
  • "Beloved is just another example of angry minorities trying to do away with the canon by generating moving works of literary genius."

    Syd Green Tailor
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