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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Ben & Jerry’s–Inspired Porn Barred From Release

Following a legal settlement with Ben & Jerry’s, porn studio Caballero Video will not release its Ben & Cherry’s line of pornographic videos, featuring such titles as Peanut Butter D-Cup and Boston Cream Thigh, and which used packaging and slogans similar to that of the ice cream company. What do you think?

  • “Oh, like Ben & Jerry’s never released an ice cream based on porn.”

    Lorne Thom Slag Worker
  • “This sets a bad precedent for pornographers with conceptually muddled ideas.”

    Sara Eckton Bracelet Former
  • “Stay strong, Caballero Video.”

    Paolo Nardi Systems Analyst

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