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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Benedict XVI's Last Day As Pope

After nearly eight years as head of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI will step down from the papacy today at 8 p.m. Vatican time, beginning his post-retirement life as a so-called pope emeritus. What do you think?

  • “Great. He deserves a break after thoughtfully addressing the Church’s problems for all those years.”

    Brandon Vargas Lag Screwer
  • “Man, he is going to get the sweetest watch.”

    Patricia Carrillo Jersey Knitter
  • “But I never got to tell him how I felt!”

    Ian Pock Tax Record Clerk

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