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Berlusconi To Step Down

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Berlusconi To Step Down

Having lost the support of his coalition in Parliament, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi—the dominant force in Italian politics for nearly two decades—announced he would resign following the passage of new budget reforms. What do you think?

  • “At least he’ll get to spend more time with his family and his family’s friends’ daughters.”

    Rich Chavez Dexitrine Mixer
  • "Herman Cain is running for office in the wrong country."

    Jacob Reuther Weight Analyst
  • "He's such an active man, what could he possibly do in retirement? Does he have any hobbies or interests?"

    Fawn Donahue Unemployed

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