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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Bert And Ernie Not Gay

Reacting to an online petition calling for Muppets Bert and Ernie to marry, Sesame Street released a statement on its Facebook page explaining that the duo are just friends and do not have a sexual orientation. What do you think?

  • "It seems like the show is missing a great opportunity to teach preschoolers about sex."

    Eric Davis Systems Analyst
  • "The petition-writers clearly don't know their Sesame Street history. The construction workers Biff and Sully were the ones who truly pushed an aggressive gay agenda in the 1970s."

    Zelma Wash Heel Gouger
  • "If you're looking for gay puppets, I just finished watching Sexame Streak and I highly recommend it."

    Lew Williams Unemployed
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