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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Beyoncé, Destiny's Child Album Sales Surge After Super Bowl

Online sales of Beyoncé’s albums have leapt 230 percent since her well-received Super Bowl halftime show Sunday, while digital record sales for her former group Destiny’s Child, with whom she reunited during the performance, have soared 600 percent. What do you think?

  • “Bandwagoners. I’ve been buying Beyoncé’s music since the inauguration.”

    Warren Vitale Library Director
  • “That was the most emotional reunion I’d seen since the Clydesdale reunited with the rancher 10 minutes earlier.”

    Alfie Nadel Gas Delivery Driver
  • “Wow. Someone should let advertisers know a Super Bowl appearance can really boost sales.”

    Molly Sarno Unemployed

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