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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Beyoncé Sings At U.N.

Last week, pop songstress Beyoncé met Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon and performed at the U.N.’s General Assembly Hall, filming a music video for the ballad “I Was Here” that will be released Sunday as part of World Humanitarian Day celebrations. What do you think?

  • “Wow. I can’t believe she got to meet Ban Ki-moon!”

    Lawrence Dalsgaard Rack Loader
  • “Finally, a serious solution to some real-world problems.”

    Linda Menges X-Ray Technician
  • “I thought she’d never make a comeback after she left Destiny’s Child. Way to go, Beyoncé!”

    Naveen Sunderaju Deckhand

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