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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Big Cats Lured By Obsession

In studying the amount of time two cheetahs interacted with different colognes, the general curator of the Bronx Zoo found that the cats showed a preference for Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men. What do you think?

  • "That's the chief reason Alex Rodriguez can't go to the Bronx Zoo."

    Melanie Schrader Systems Analyst
  • "I've always said that Calvin Klein's cologne smelled slightly better than cat urine."

    Tom Gilliam Unemployed
  • "Call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer to lure large predators with the scent of a menstruating woman."

    Terry Cox Bus Driver

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