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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Big Cats Lured By Obsession

In studying the amount of time two cheetahs interacted with different colognes, the general curator of the Bronx Zoo found that the cats showed a preference for Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men. What do you think?

  • "That's the chief reason Alex Rodriguez can't go to the Bronx Zoo."

    Melanie Schrader Systems Analyst
  • "I've always said that Calvin Klein's cologne smelled slightly better than cat urine."

    Tom Gilliam Unemployed
  • "Call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer to lure large predators with the scent of a menstruating woman."

    Terry Cox Bus Driver

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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