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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Bigot Group Recommended Alienating Gays From Blacks

In a memo recently made public, the National Organization for Marriage suggested it would benefit the group's antigay marriage agenda to drive a wedge between blacks and gays. What do you think?

  • "This is only going to send the gays into the arms of the Puerto Ricans."

    Charles Kerova Benefits Manager
  • "Sweet! I always hoped this cultural firestorm would result in an epic dance-off!"

    Thom Preston Junction Maker
  • "I am shocked that a group like the National Organization for Marriage would resort to exploiting people's baseless fears and prejudices."

    Deena Hatfull Dowel Pointer
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