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Bilingual Education Under Fire

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Bilingual Education Under Fire

On June 2, California voters overwhelmingly passed Proposition 227, a measure eliminating bilingual education programs for millions of Spanish-speaking immigrants. What do you think?
  • "We don't need bilingual education. We just need to speak louder and slower, and finish all sentences with, 'Comprendé?'"

    Richard Moore Systems Analyst
  • "I am in favor of bilingual education, as long as the two languages are Choctaw and BASIC."

    Peter Amos Graphic Designer
  • "My great-grandfather arrived in America in 1903, and I can assure you, he did not speak Spanish."

    Christine Falcone Civil Engineer
  • "This problem is even worse in Mexico: Almost nobody speaks English over there."

    Marisa Schone Legal Secretary
  • "It is vital that Spanish-speaking immigrants learn English. How else are they supposed to understand how I want my hedges clipped?"

    Oliver Kittridge Lawyer
  • "I've been living here on El Camino Drive in Santa Cruz for nearly 30 years, and, thank goodness, I've never had to speak a word of Spanish."

    Stockbroker Eddie Wuhl

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