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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Bilingual Education Under Fire

On June 2, California voters overwhelmingly passed Proposition 227, a measure eliminating bilingual education programs for millions of Spanish-speaking immigrants. What do you think?
  • "We don't need bilingual education. We just need to speak louder and slower, and finish all sentences with, 'Comprendé?'"

    Richard Moore Systems Analyst
  • "I am in favor of bilingual education, as long as the two languages are Choctaw and BASIC."

    Peter Amos Graphic Designer
  • "My great-grandfather arrived in America in 1903, and I can assure you, he did not speak Spanish."

    Christine Falcone Civil Engineer
  • "This problem is even worse in Mexico: Almost nobody speaks English over there."

    Marisa Schone Legal Secretary
  • "It is vital that Spanish-speaking immigrants learn English. How else are they supposed to understand how I want my hedges clipped?"

    Oliver Kittridge Lawyer
  • "I've been living here on El Camino Drive in Santa Cruz for nearly 30 years, and, thank goodness, I've never had to speak a word of Spanish."

    Stockbroker Eddie Wuhl

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