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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bill Gates Offers $100K For More Pleasurable Condom

Philanthropist and former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates has offered a $100,000 grant to anyone who can reinvent the condom to make protected sex more pleasurable in an effort to help prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections worldwide. What do you think?

  • “Might be a cool product, but I doubt Gates can ever top Windows 98.”

    Seth Cates Automobile Upholsterer
  • “I think the Super-Ribbed Ultra-Thin Pleasure Pounders from the machine in the truck stop men’s bathroom might be just what Bill Gates is looking for.”

    Gail Peldon Systems Analyst
  • “Just picturing Bill Gates’ charitable visage is all the pleasure I need.”

    Lou Thoemke Hotel Concierge

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