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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Bill Gates Offers $100K For More Pleasurable Condom

Philanthropist and former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates has offered a $100,000 grant to anyone who can reinvent the condom to make protected sex more pleasurable in an effort to help prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections worldwide. What do you think?

  • “Might be a cool product, but I doubt Gates can ever top Windows 98.”

    Seth Cates Automobile Upholsterer
  • “I think the Super-Ribbed Ultra-Thin Pleasure Pounders from the machine in the truck stop men’s bathroom might be just what Bill Gates is looking for.”

    Gail Peldon Systems Analyst
  • “Just picturing Bill Gates’ charitable visage is all the pleasure I need.”

    Lou Thoemke Hotel Concierge
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