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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Bill Gates Offers $100K For More Pleasurable Condom

Philanthropist and former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates has offered a $100,000 grant to anyone who can reinvent the condom to make protected sex more pleasurable in an effort to help prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections worldwide. What do you think?

  • “Might be a cool product, but I doubt Gates can ever top Windows 98.”

    Seth Cates Automobile Upholsterer
  • “I think the Super-Ribbed Ultra-Thin Pleasure Pounders from the machine in the truck stop men’s bathroom might be just what Bill Gates is looking for.”

    Gail Peldon Systems Analyst
  • “Just picturing Bill Gates’ charitable visage is all the pleasure I need.”

    Lou Thoemke Hotel Concierge
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