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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Bill Gates Offers $100K For More Pleasurable Condom

Philanthropist and former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates has offered a $100,000 grant to anyone who can reinvent the condom to make protected sex more pleasurable in an effort to help prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections worldwide. What do you think?

  • “Might be a cool product, but I doubt Gates can ever top Windows 98.”

    Seth Cates Automobile Upholsterer
  • “I think the Super-Ribbed Ultra-Thin Pleasure Pounders from the machine in the truck stop men’s bathroom might be just what Bill Gates is looking for.”

    Gail Peldon Systems Analyst
  • “Just picturing Bill Gates’ charitable visage is all the pleasure I need.”

    Lou Thoemke Hotel Concierge

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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