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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Bill May Have Cost Hillary VP Slot

In the new issue of Time magazine by former Obama campaign aide David Ploufe indicates that Hillary Clinton was a serious contender for the VP slot in 2008, but that her ex-president husband ultimately brought with him too many complications. What do you think?
  • "It would have been so much easier for her if Bill had just stayed anonymous."

    Brad Dyson Systems Analyst
  • "Boo-hoo. Like Hillary would've even gotten the secretary of state gig if Bill hadn't known a guy and made a few calls."

    David Donavan Kennel Attendant
  • "Can you imagine how dreadful it would've been to have such an outspoken, embarrassing silver fox so close to the vice presidency?"

    Erin Blackmore Packaging Supervisor

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