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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Billionaire Calls For High-Speed Tube Transit

California billionaire Elon Musk unveiled his plan for a futuristic transportation system, the Hyperloop, which would send passengers at 800 miles per hour through above-ground steel tubes and cut travel time between Los Angeles and San Francisco to 30 minutes. What do you think?

  • “Wow. So you could live in L.A., work in San Fran, and disintegrate somewhere outside Bakersfield.”

    Doug Wallace Oceanographer
  • “I’ll always remember today as the last time I heard about this incredible project.”

    Sylvia Groeschel Hearing Aid Salesman
  • “What am I supposed to do for 30 minutes?”

    Zade Mingalone Unemployed

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