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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Billionaire Gives $100 Million To Central Park

In what is thought to be the largest-ever donation to a public park, hedge fund manager John Paulson gave $100 million to the not-for-profit Central Park Conservancy, which maintains the 843-acre public space. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a gift for the impoverished people of Manhattan.”

    Wayne Volaitis Electrical Drafter
  • “With that kind of money they should be able to get Simon & Garfunkel to play there again, no problem.”

    Donald Canovas Baseball Scout
  • “God knows Central Park needs the money. I mean, they’re still depending on horse-powered carriages for transportation.”

    Lisanne Sable Screwhead Polisher

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