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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Billionaire Gives $100 Million To Central Park

In what is thought to be the largest-ever donation to a public park, hedge fund manager John Paulson gave $100 million to the not-for-profit Central Park Conservancy, which maintains the 843-acre public space. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a gift for the impoverished people of Manhattan.”

    Wayne Volaitis Electrical Drafter
  • “With that kind of money they should be able to get Simon & Garfunkel to play there again, no problem.”

    Donald Canovas Baseball Scout
  • “God knows Central Park needs the money. I mean, they’re still depending on horse-powered carriages for transportation.”

    Lisanne Sable Screwhead Polisher
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