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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Bin Laden Relatives Sentenced

A Pakistani court sentenced Osama bin Laden's three widows and two daughters to 45 days of house detention for living illegally in Pakistan. What do you think?

  • "It’s good to see Pakistan’s refusing to harbor terrorists’ widows."

    Mark Carruth Systems Analyst
  • "This just goes to show that it might take a decade and a trillion dollars, but even the widows or daughters of our enemies will eventually face some kind of justice, however trivial."

    Andrea Sullivan Harbor Master
  • "So the punishment for living in Pakistan illegally is being forced to stay there? Fuck, Pakistan, get some self-esteem."

    Gilbert Gooden Cake Wrapper

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