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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Bin Laden Relatives Sentenced

A Pakistani court sentenced Osama bin Laden's three widows and two daughters to 45 days of house detention for living illegally in Pakistan. What do you think?

  • "It’s good to see Pakistan’s refusing to harbor terrorists’ widows."

    Mark Carruth Systems Analyst
  • "This just goes to show that it might take a decade and a trillion dollars, but even the widows or daughters of our enemies will eventually face some kind of justice, however trivial."

    Andrea Sullivan Harbor Master
  • "So the punishment for living in Pakistan illegally is being forced to stay there? Fuck, Pakistan, get some self-esteem."

    Gilbert Gooden Cake Wrapper
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