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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Bin Laden's Cook Released From Gitmo

After 10 years as a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay, 52-year-old Ibrahim al-Qosi, who served as a cook at an al-Qaeda compound in Afghanistan, was released and allowed to return to Sudan. What do you think?

  • “I don’t know if this is a good idea. Steven Seagal was a cook in that one movie and he was 100 percent deadly.”

    Brennan Campbell High School Football Coach
  • “So did he give up that positively sinful basbousa recipe, or what?”

    Jess Kearns Public Policy Lawyer
  • “Lucky. I wish I had an employable skill like cooking.”

    Timothy Hwong Cleaning Products Tester

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