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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Bin Laden’s Personal Documents Made Public

The Office of the Director of National Intelligence has released Osama bin Laden’s personal documents, including several written letters and his will. What do you think?

  • “I’m going to be so mad if he was talking shit about us in those letters.”

    Karl Dogen Soil Enricher
  • “You’re telling me he spent all that time in hiding and didn’t even put together a rough outline for his memoirs?”

    Petunia Ward Systems Analyst
  • “The guy whose job it was to burn everything really screwed up.”

    Chuck Baille Jury Duty Enthusiast
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