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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bin Laden’s Personal Documents Made Public

The Office of the Director of National Intelligence has released Osama bin Laden’s personal documents, including several written letters and his will. What do you think?

  • “I’m going to be so mad if he was talking shit about us in those letters.”

    Karl Dogen Soil Enricher
  • “You’re telling me he spent all that time in hiding and didn’t even put together a rough outline for his memoirs?”

    Petunia Ward Systems Analyst
  • “The guy whose job it was to burn everything really screwed up.”

    Chuck Baille Jury Duty Enthusiast

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