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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Biofuels Worse For The Environment

According to the journal Science, the use of biofuels does not offset the greenhouse gas emissions produced in their manufacture. What do you think?
  • "Would it at least offset the amount of time I have to pretend to care about the environment?"

    Bruce Jones Systems Analyst
  • "Just once, why can't one of our poorly considered quick fixes work?"

    Kirsten Simonon Tattoo Artist
  • "Then where do they suppose we should get this green power? From magic? From the very Sun?"

    Will Trembeau Truck Dispatcher
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