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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Biofuels Worse For The Environment

According to the journal Science, the use of biofuels does not offset the greenhouse gas emissions produced in their manufacture. What do you think?
  • "Would it at least offset the amount of time I have to pretend to care about the environment?"

    Bruce Jones Systems Analyst
  • "Just once, why can't one of our poorly considered quick fixes work?"

    Kirsten Simonon Tattoo Artist
  • "Then where do they suppose we should get this green power? From magic? From the very Sun?"

    Will Trembeau Truck Dispatcher

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