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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Black Licorice Linked To Irregular Heartbeat

A chemical compound in black licorice has been found to lower potassium in the blood and may cause irregular heartbeats. What do you think?

  • "Black licorice? What about horehound drops? Or rum balls? Has anyone thought to check on root beer barrels?"

    Earl Lucey Welt Beater
  • "This is what Twizzlers gets for trying to save money and not lobby the FDA this year."

    Gwen Schreiber Tank Cleaner
  • "I should probably stop prescribing it to my patients then."

    John Dreyfus Trip Follower
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