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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Black Licorice Linked To Irregular Heartbeat

A chemical compound in black licorice has been found to lower potassium in the blood and may cause irregular heartbeats. What do you think?

  • "Black licorice? What about horehound drops? Or rum balls? Has anyone thought to check on root beer barrels?"

    Earl Lucey Welt Beater
  • "This is what Twizzlers gets for trying to save money and not lobby the FDA this year."

    Gwen Schreiber Tank Cleaner
  • "I should probably stop prescribing it to my patients then."

    John Dreyfus Trip Follower
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