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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Blockbuster Asks Creditors For Money

Faltering video-rental behemoth Blockbuster Inc. is asking its bondholders for $200 to $250 million so it can exit bankruptcy. What do you think?

  • "I'd love to help, but Mrs. Geithner and I already loaned AIG $170 billion, so we're a little short at the moment."

    Timothy Geithner U.S. Treasury Secretary
  • "Will they accept mailed-in payments, or do you have to drop it in the return slot?"

    Kurt Williams Kennel Attendant
  • "Speaking of, have we still not found Harry And The Hendersons? Did anyone look behind the basement couch? This family is the worst."

    Heather Roberts Dairy Nutrition Consultant

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