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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Bloomberg Forms Super PAC

Billionaire New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is using his own money to form a super PAC that will run ads for congressional, state, and local candidates from both parties who support gay marriage, tighter gun laws, and school reform. What do you think?

  • “But someone injecting that much personal wealth into the political process could undermine the integrity of our super-PAC system.”

    Grover Anderson Furniture Pad Tufter
  • “Oh, sure, just throw money at the problem. That’s real effective when it comes to influencing policy.”

    Wayne Glass Priest
  • “He really couldn’t think of anything more fun to do with all that money?”

    Sydney Delesha Helminthologist

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