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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Bolton Steps Down

John Bolton, the American delegate to the UN, will step down when the current term runs out. What do you think?
  • "It's a shame. He had so many bridges yet to burn."

    Tammy Watson Systems Analyst
  • "With Bolton finally out of the way, the UN can get back to doing what it does best: solving the world's problems in a quick and efficient manner."

    Leo Schneider Grocery Bagger
  • "He was the one person I could count on to stand in the face of popular opinion and wear that absurd mustache."

    Ryan Smith Promotions Manager
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