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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Boomers On Social Security

The first U.S. baby boomer, born one second after midnight on January 1, 1946, has applied for Social Security benefits. What do you think?
  • "Wait a second. Not only do I have to pay to keep them safe from terrorists, I have to pay so they can retire, too?"

    Randy Venable Stenograher
  • "Things may look bleak right now but with our next postwar bubble of vigorous economic growth, it should be 1946 all over again in no time."

    Mary Errett Clothing Salesperson
  • "Fuck it. If this Social Security ship is about to sink, I'm telling Amy I love her!"

    Colin Halverson Systems Analyst
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