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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Boomers On Social Security

The first U.S. baby boomer, born one second after midnight on January 1, 1946, has applied for Social Security benefits. What do you think?
  • "Wait a second. Not only do I have to pay to keep them safe from terrorists, I have to pay so they can retire, too?"

    Randy Venable Stenograher
  • "Things may look bleak right now but with our next postwar bubble of vigorous economic growth, it should be 1946 all over again in no time."

    Mary Errett Clothing Salesperson
  • "Fuck it. If this Social Security ship is about to sink, I'm telling Amy I love her!"

    Colin Halverson Systems Analyst

More from this section

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

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