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Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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Boomers On Social Security

The first U.S. baby boomer, born one second after midnight on January 1, 1946, has applied for Social Security benefits. What do you think?
  • "Wait a second. Not only do I have to pay to keep them safe from terrorists, I have to pay so they can retire, too?"

    Randy Venable Stenograher
  • "Things may look bleak right now but with our next postwar bubble of vigorous economic growth, it should be 1946 all over again in no time."

    Mary Errett Clothing Salesperson
  • "Fuck it. If this Social Security ship is about to sink, I'm telling Amy I love her!"

    Colin Halverson Systems Analyst

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