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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Border Patrol Finds Pot On Bieber Tour Bus

U.S. border patrol agents reportedly found marijuana on Justin Bieber’s tour bus as it passed from Canada into Detroit Sunday, though Bieber himself was not on the bus at the time and made his scheduled performance later that night. What do you think?

  • “Whoa, that kid’s got his own bus?”

    Danny Tooley Gear Cleaner
  • “Once you go to the weed, it’s over. I’ve seen friends on that stuff.”

    Marjolaine Price Unemployed
  • “Who cares about drugs? How was the show?”

    John Piper Polyphase Meter Tester
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